gengki the newbie

in the virgin forest i enter. gengki spanks and smites. love is all you need but then again i need chocolate too.

 

ON MONEY AND PARENTS

I think it was late for us to do some shopping for the baby. 8 months na ata ako at ngayon lang kami na excite tumingin ng gamit and maybe by the end of this month i could have given birth already or maybe a bit later. Medyo panic buying lang dahil we blew 5  figures just for the basic necessities... wala pang feeding bottles yan at bulak. Nagpamahal talaga dun yung trolley... ok lang... it was the baby trolley i had hoped for dahil pwede na siyang bahayan ni Dagul.

Gastos! gastos! gastos!

Magastos talaga magluwal ng isa na namang nilalang sa mundo. Mega kayod talaga this time. Wala nang pabanjing banjing at medyo i-etsepwera na ang mga  "will this make me happy" thoughts sa trabaho. Medyo lang... konti lang naman. Bawasan ng konti ang angsts sa trabaho para maging masaya. Just imagine the costs of giving birth, pediatrician, diapers and the milk! Punyetang mga gatas yan 300 plus ang iba. Buti na lang may gatas ng ina kaya dapat talaga isub-sob ni Kris Aquino or ni Sharon Cuneta ang mga boobs nila sa boob tube to promote breastfeeding.

Frustrations! Frustrations! Frustrations!

Ako kasi naniniwala ako na kapag nag-anak anak ka kese hodang labing anim yan, responsibilidad mo yan. Huwag kang mag-aanak ng di mo kayang alagaan emotionally and financially. To put it vaguely, di ako sang ayon na ipapasa mo sa anak mo ang mga responsibilities mo as a parent with the exception of course kung:

a. patay ka na

b.  sira ulo mo (as in nasa mental ha)

c. baldado ka (minsan nga keri pa rin!)

d. matanda ka na't di mo na talaga kering magbanat ng buto.

Kung maayos pa ang tuhod mo, di ka naman nagve-vertigo kapag tumtayo ka at kumpleto pa ang katawan mo, aba! Magtrabaho at huwag ipasa sa iba lalong lalo na sa mga anak. Usually sa panganay yang ganyang dilemma eh. Ok naman talaga ang mag bigay sa magulang at tumulong let's say 70-30, 70 percent sayo, pero hindi naman lahat na lang ikaw at ikaw lang lalo na't alam mong kaya pa nila magtinda man lang ng tocino or maging avon lady.

Side bar lang: Kaya itong isyu na ayaw ng catholic church ang artificial contraceptives... hay nako...mas kasalanan ata ang mag-anak ng mag-anak at hahayaan mo na lang magtinda ng katawan, atay, kapwa tao, shabu, rugby at sampaguita at matuwa na lang sa sitwasyon nilang hirap at walang maabot sa buhay? Aba't hindi siya nakatulong, nakalala pa siya. Tapos ayaw bigyan ng host yung mga gumawa bill... puh leeez....ano ba ang host? Bribe? Pag di ka nag host di ka pupunta sa langit at masusunog ka sa impyerno? Sabi nga ni poodrahkels... hindi lahat ng pumupunta sa talyer ay nagiging mekaniko.     

Ok, balik tayo:I saw this 65 year old woman in a TV docu who had 5 menial jobs that earned her 900 pesos a day! San ka naman dun? Di daw siya titigil na magtrabaho hangga't hindi nakakagraduate ng college ang anak niya and pag naka graduate na daw eh di baka mag-isa  o dalawang trabaho na lang siya to sustain herself at the least.  Now where does she get that spirit?  I salute this woman. Mas marangal pa siya sa ibang congressman at pulis patola. May iba kasi na maka-graduate lang ang isang anak titigil na magtrabaho at hahayaan na yung naka graduate na tumustos dun sa mga natira pa. O sige ikaw na bahala sa aming lahat ha pagod na kami eh mag-cross stitch na lang ako sa bahay... gudluck na lang sayo. It's like asking your child to pay you back. Pinag-aral kita para kumita ka para sa amin. 

I'm just lucky my parents never obliged or even pressured me to contribute financially and they just let me be whatever i want to be. Hindi naman kami yung tipong... Ma, i want to study in France! Ok anak, here's your ticket! They didn't secretly impose financial burdens even after i graduated which I think contributes to my happy sways in life. Iba na kasi kapag in your 20-ish years at kagra-graduate mo lang may feeling na "dapat kumita ng malaki!". I think it should be more na "dapat mag enjoy at explore and then kumita" para mas less ang angst at mas maging productive citizens. Gumawa ba ng sariling theory? hehehe 

When i got out of school, i still had 2 brothers in college, my Mom retired already and my Dad has always had writing rakets. It wasn't the usual salary they had when they were at their prime but they had always found means to sustain my two brothers, put food on the table and even buy a new computer and DVD player. My mom in her 50's even wanted to apply in a nearby call center just to make the financial blanket wider when she could have asked me and my kuya some money but no, she was the mother in her household and she had to step up. Bilib din ako sa mudraks ko eh. 

My point is... i am just frustrated at some things around me that somehow... will affect me. Oh dear.

posted by: gengcooker at 19:51 | link | comments (2) |

SCRUBBING SOULS

It's been more than a month since we jumped ship from being lovers to being husband and wife. I was never really wifely to begin with and it came as a shock to ost of my friends to see me get hitched.  It was fast really but no regrets. R and I were just getting into the serious zone of a typical boyfriend-girlfiend relationship but i was never really that aware that we were in that zone until the test kit flashed a double line. It wasn't just the two of us anymore.

I didn't want to get married. I just don't want to. There's this feeling of not getting away anymore. Its all jumbled up out there but it scares me really. My Dad, a great adviser, had always believed in choices but it was surprising that he offered me a sound choice of his own--- get married and take the plunge. It was as if i was falling into an abyss. My Dad knew me and i was up for any challenge including altered states such as marriage. I guess its about time to act like grown ups and just learn things from each other.

The learning process can be a bit tricky. When me and R mess up with each other, we just make it up at the end of the day. But for me, there's this imaginative part of my brain popping what if i told you that i wish i never took that plunge, that i settled for less, that i settled for somebody who was just there and never would be at par with my likeness and level and that you just got me pregnant. Let's leave LOVE at the door because it clouds the vision. So there goes the scrubbing part of marriage. I maybe harsh but i think about those sometimes. But then when you scrub deeply there lies that love you had and no matter how straight you dart at those thoughts it will always be clouded with something stronger than your ego or whatever educational level you have. And that is what i feel right now.

R and I just had this sort of verbal attack against each other. I plan to leave him, go to a friends' house he doesn't have an inkling of and just drive him nuts trying to look for me so that he may be sorry. How convenient and self serving to my ego but then i can't help but reply to his text messages.

It's a long jump from lovers to partners and then next--- parents.

posted by: gengcooker at 17:26 | link | comments |