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*** gengki the newbie ***
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Friday, 31 December 2004 MATAPOS ANG HORROR STORY NUNG PASKO The last thing i remembered was that my world turned orange. Oh yes, it did. My last collapse was in grade 4 on a girl scout investiture and the same thing happened--- an orange psychedelic vision. That must be the thinnest line between reality and surreality. Things around become reminiscent of the 70's with your world turning around and you feel that everybody has hepatitis D since they looked more orange than yellow. And then the orange world turned into a deep chasm of pitch blackness. And yes, there are things happening that don't belong to that world. And far more worse than collapsing on a Christmas day. It must be my rotten blood for showbiz that sparked up when i found out that i was much more affected that Jet Li got hurt in Maldives because of the tsunami. And i forgot the rest of the 100 thousand that died. God has put a special place for Asians because He knew that we are the perpetrators of culture, civilization and the arts. Heaven must be in some sort of cultural crisis for Him to really get that big of a population. And God specifically didn't hit the Philippines... Kitch wrote me an email stating that she was unhappy. What could that be? I feel a sense of responsibility of the things that make my friends unhappy or happy. She said she got the worst news of her life. What could be the worst news in someone's life? Aside from death of a loved one, it could be that she got pregnant by some bozo she met in a bar. Or that her parents will send her to US to force her to study nursing. I am affected by the way she wrote it 'the worst news in her life'. I don't really have a 'worst news in my life'. I don't even count death as a 'worst news'. A worst news has to be something that defies the ordinary scheme of things in one's life. Something that can change your life. Something unnatural. Something really unexpected. That makes it more exciting and that automatically dismisses that news as worst. A friend told me that what happened to me in SM was the worst thing that could happen to her. It was an iskandalo daw. Indeed it was an iskandalo minus the sampalan and the mean one liners, but me being a drama queen i figured i was hungry for the stage and the need to perform was reeking. So my body had this voluntary reflex to perform and perform I did! It can be a worst experience but it was not a worst performance. I thought that i'd rather have a worst experience than a worst news. A worst experience is just like a pie slapping right in your face while a worst news is having to see that pie being baked right in your face. Friday, 24 December 2004 THE DAY GOD TAUGHT ME PATIENCE The situation: I didn't eat any decent meal for 2 days since I was so busy advancing segments and my partner absented himself just for me to be home today. ergo: No sleep for two days. I have 2 strategic pimples near my mouth and another anticipated zit near the lip that aches so much. It's also the second day of my period so blood is rushing like wild river. I have to bring home the DVD player, the boxes of yemas and canisters of choco crinkles, 2 queso de bolas and food ek ek all placed in a christmas bayong. My bro texted that i should buy 2 roast chickens before i go home to our new house. I went to SM fairview to buy that and EVERYBODY was in the mall. I queued up for the receipt of the fucking chickens and it wasn't a short line. My overworked, starved, unfertile and unslept body was carrying 4 bags when my phone vibrated. All hell broke loose. I dropped the bayong and the queso de bola rolled over while frantically looking for my cellphone inside my convuluted bag. I had to get the queso de bola so i placed the DVD to line up for me. I forgot that EVERYBODY was in the mall. I got to my line to see my DVD being trampled on. I accidentally ripped the order slip i had to pay while putting myself together. As i picked up my stuff, a SIKONG MAITIM came by my face and struck my anticipated zit near my mouth. He said sorry. OK. Sorry must be the hardest word ever. I tried to pull up my pants when someone cut me in my line just to pass through. My vagina still spurting with gore. My lip aches because of the zit. My hair all over my face. I carry bags half of my weight. I am thirsty. I am starved. I haven't slept. My world is turning orange I stared at the ceiling waiting for Our Lady of Manaoag to shower me with God's love. The result: I collapsed. Sunday, 19 December 2004 My christmas wish list... This is not because I want all of them. But of course, I do want all of them. But i just want to finally have one. A list. A selfish list of whatever impossibilities i want. And i want them all... hahaha! It's not actually a Christmas list. I just figured since it's december everybody has the right to call it a Christmas wish list. But this is my official list---Christmas or not. 1. laptop, digicam, I-pod, and a manual camera. Ha! Gudlak kung makuha ko to ngayon! Kayod kayod kayod... 2. New PUMA shoes and the Sandman comics. kayod parin! 3. A commericial endorsement. Maka-raket lang ako dito, kayang kaya na ang items no.1. Kahit kamay ko lang sa corned beef commercial na humahawak ng kawali. Pwede na! Keri na! 4. A one-act play. Syempre, kelangan ako sumulat. Although I am actually starting, pero damn talaga! Busy ever ang lolah. 5. An orange hipster bikini. Oh yes! Pumayat pala ako ha! Sige. We'll put that kapayatan to good use. Rarampa talaga ako! Meron na kasi akong orang bra, hipster panty na lang. Humanda kayo! 6. For the SILO film to push through. It has long been postponed and kating kati na ako umarte ulit. Lord! Lord! 7. New bedsheets and towel. Hmmm.. I underestimated the prices of these friggin things. Diyos ko! Mahal pala ang isang twalyang pampaligo. Akala ko para lang akong bumili ng pitchel. 8. EROS poetry book. Yes! For the malibog in me in it's most artistic and romantic form. 9. A childrens' play. Gusto ko ako ang bida na parang prinsesa, o kung hindi man yung matandang hukluban yung role ko or yung fairy na matanda or palaka. Basta pambata. 10. A joke and a hug from Poodrahbel. He used to do that nung grade 4 ako, ngayon hindi na. 11. Enlightenment to the people/company i work for and work with. So badly needed. This is for the good of the Filipino people and sincere social responsibility that besets media people. Gosh, if i could just change the world. 12. Sincerity and goodness. It's not enough that people are kind. One can be kind and lack these stuff. I'd rather have them than be kind. Oh, but it's so easy to be a bitch and lash out at people. It's just that some people aren't sincere and good. 13. SEAL and Dione Worwick greatest hits CD. Nothing like good music to make me feel like a child of God. 14. A facial. Although it's painstaking, it does provide results. 15. An abrupt wedding in the family. Syempre wag naman yung kapatid kong 18 years old. I wish my cousins who are so into their boyfriends would just plan a wedding and make me an abay. I want to wear a gown, in full-florals and ruffles and pearls and katya underneath.I want to be so bongga they would think it's my debut. I will surprise the bride because i'll be more beautiful than her. I will sing a Barbra Streisand number and croak in the middle. And my vocal coach would stab his neck. And all the blood would spurt in the cake... And then Barbra Streisand would come out of the cake with her mic and every body finds out she was the one really singing for me. Nothing grand eh...
Friday, 17 December 2004 ON DECEMBER...
Not a good month for me. My alcoholism has waned down by work and my dancing just makes me feel un-oiled. I have voice lessons that i don't attend and someone just called me Ms. Taray. I have mellowed down right after college. I know that somehow my fire isn't as intense but it keeps burning. I guess I'm tired. Movie and binges with paulie aren't as casual. Everybody has to put it in some schedule so as to make it organized. Oh yes, everybody has to be organized. Even emotions tend to be organized. Everything has to be in some organizational activity. Whatever happened to random acts of happiness. I used to stare at the building of our college with Stowper. We had this sublimal feeling that we are waiting for the exact shadow of the moon to make the building look grand and dramatic. And when that happens, we go home. How simple can we get. Everybody seemed to be inlove back then. Now, everybody's a good and organized person. Tuesday, 14 December 2004 on what's really happening... +i've been eating ice cream alone in my apartment. i enjoy buying vegetables at the grocery. i cry at the slightest provocation of child abuse. my life has been a limbo of odds and ends. things aren't happening not as expected or planned but something has to happen. people are a bit harsh on words. somebody can scald me to death with those conjectures but somehow nothing's really happening. + my brother texted that i shouldn't go to our old house because everybody is on the new house in bulacan. even the cat. i haven't got to see the house my Mom built. i have so many excuses for not going home which reflects my excuses for what's really happening. poodrahbel started to plant trees around the new house which we used to do way back. I can't even hold a leaf nowadays. I can't even push myself to run around the oval. I'm not as excited when buying new panties. +hubby lost all his numbers in his phone. That was a valid reason. I can't even push my fingers to identify myself in his text as he asked who i was since his phone lost my number. I see that I am reduced to numbers. This has become too tiring. I allowed myself to become just a number. +As i was reduced to numbers by that man, I am just a freaking code in the human resources dept. So, now they think i don't get fucking tired? You see me as just a code waiting to be encoded. Honey, if you feel my wrist, I have a pulse. I have feces as pungent as yours. I am a fucking natural resource. Now do your job saving humanity as you are fondly called the human resources officer. +i have ugly thoughts. this is not me. i have been unkind to people who are 'unkind'. I have always had this mantra: Kapag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay with orange juice. I have to get my groove back. I can't even feel it's Christmas not until my face was mauled by a Christmas tree just this morning. I should get my groove back. Saturday, 11 December 2004 The Butterfly MiracleAt the risk of sounding exagerrated, i think i just talked to a butterfly at the Botanical Garden of UST. I needed mother nature shots for an MTV we're doing for an awards night. Our director lent me his camera and it was put to good use. I was a mediocre cameraman but my subject proved to be a superstar. After shooting doves in cages and carps in the fishpond and turtles in their homes, i felt like a rejected National Geographic videographer. I am more like a wannabee filmmaker doing a highschool VHS project. I need some challenge. I need an exclusive shot of something. I need to have some sort of a breaking story to push my career in handling the camera. So I tried to chase bees and dragonflies and some unknown lamok with my camera but to no avail. They're like Sharon Cuneta and Kris Aquino who wouldn't want to be associated with a newbie documenatrist like me. Kung ayaw mo wag mo. That was my comfort consolation under pressure. Then suddenly, i saw this beautiful butterfly. I actually pleaded for the butterfly to stay still so i can shoot her. And she did. Wow. The butterfly was a supermodel who knew the trades of posing for the camera. I was like a photographer who kept on pleasing the model with words like 'good' 'project'. The butterfly did what she had to do, spread her colorful wings, go from flower to flower and get some pollens, close her wings to display her sideview design, flutter about with the flowers. I caught it on camera in full 6 minutes. My boss texted that she liked the mats I gave. She even asked from what show I borrowed the videos. Well...we have a Cindy Crawford in the house. Lesson learned: Do not chase love. Love will come to you beautifully. Naks! And for my case it was a 6-minute love affair. Saturday, 04 December 2004 ENCORE! Yesterday was the first time I went to our live production of our 10pm airing. I was always a sheltered, air-conditioned employee of the show. Just checking the channel to see if we're on air. We finished early so I decided to watch the live airing at Studio 1. Para naman maiba. Never again. Grabe talaga ang mga tao. Pasaway. That was the first time I saw hardcore fans of a bunch of showbiz hopefuls. At hindi pa yan mga Noranians o Vilmanians ha. I look at the faces of the fans just to check how dead serious are these people for whacking their lungs out to teenagers they don't really know. And they are serious. I look at the teenagers on stage waiting for their hatol while fans scream out their names like they would save humanity. I observed one of them closing his eyes as if to savor that exact moment of ultimate adulation. Damn, that feels fucking good. I am part of a showbiz mill. I am part of regenerating a new breed of idols and artistas the masses would clamor. I am part of building them a pedestal. I am part of the brouhaha. I am part of the muck the Filipino masses are sinking in. I am part of making this world a not so better place to live in. But! But! But! I am part of their sweet escape. I am part of their need to have a someone to adore. I am part of their every dream to hobnob with an artista. I am part of something that builds on dreams of deluded showbiz wannabees. Hmmm, this is too serious stuff for me to really think about. My eyebags are having their own generation as i write. Am I proud of the part and parcel I make? Well, that's a hard question. At least I plant trees and put trash in the trash bin and I don't spit in public. I think that's my consolation. |
This has been my sanctuary for four years already. It's my extension. Almost like a limb out in the open. Know that people want to express, to just chuck it out, to just be themselves even on something as artificial as blog. I am that people. So don't mind me... counter
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