Monday, 30 October 2006
HALLOW'S DAY
This is what Dar would coin as PUHR-TAEY! (party)
I am not so fond of these parties with all these dancing and killer outfits. My most unforgettable party poser outfit was when i wore a black cat suit sans the bra and my hair all curled up. And i was just standing drinking a pilsen and not even partying since i was so inappropriatlely dressed in a friekin hiphop bar where boys wear baggy stuff and girls expose their bra straps. Gahd, why did i ever allow myself to those moments.
I have party friends, that's why. Lei is one of my ultimate party buddies. We are so unlike each other but we get along fine. I like music and drinking, she likes dancing and flirting. I am 70's bistro and she is Club Industry.
So one fine evening after a horrendous shoot with the kids, she showed up at my place at 10pm and dragged me out of bed to go to Embassy. I know of this bar. This is THE bar. Everyone else in downtown morato had a halloween affair to go to. I dressed up with a really short black dress, high wedges and a black headband with cat-like ears in black sequins. Oooh, i love it. This time i was wearing a bra.
So off to this socialite bar and because, again of media connections, we were spared from the 700 peso entrance fee. I don't understand why these fuckin bars charge those kinds of fees but Lei said it was because of the DJ. And for the first time i was inside Embassy and i saw Tim Yap in a Lumiere costume. He looks like a mascot though. I drank a Henessy cognac with coke, Baileys and Vodka Kurant. Love the vodka; hate the cognac.
Next stop was the CREAM PARTY at the World Trade Center. I have never seen as many party people in my life. It was so big and everyone was so thirsty and in a daze. House music was pumping like heartbeart in a sea of unconscious people in a whoosh and I liked it. That Vibe. It felt like you're at the heart of the party scene in Manila and nobody cares if we are third world or not.
I got home at around 5am and all the people in the house are still awake and still talking about people they saw. I told them that my black bunny/sadist outfit wasn't out of place and that i enjoyed my night. They told me that the best costume they have ever seen in Malate was a gay guy dressed as the Black Nazarene of Quiapo complete with crucifix!
Happy Hallow's Day!
Friday, 27 October 2006
NOONG 2004 AT KAGRA-GRADUATE KO LANG...
Nakatanggap ako ng friendster message kay Pibs (ang aking buddy sa org namin sa UST). Nagbuklat ako ng friendster ngayon at tinignan ang mga lumang mensahe. At nangingilid na naman ang luha ko dahil parang nauulit na naman ang nangyari sa akin noong taong iyon...
Ito ang excerpt ng sulat sa akin ng buddy ko:
Wednesday, 7 January, 2004 11:17 PM
Buddy! Ate Geng! Anggaling mo talga, hindi nga
talga mapapanis ang chik-chakan pag ganitong hi-
TECH na tayo.
Kakameet lang kanina ng ilan sa mga officers
about dun sa finances (Mads, tlucila, kya buds
and me) Andami plang sisingilin, nakakaloka! Ok
lang sana sa mga AA members pero di ko yata
kayang maningil sa mga alumni...(Which we decided
na ndi na cla dapat cngilin kse we know theyre
responsible enough. i don't have to hope, I know!
Magbabayad sila when theyre ready. Clean namn ang
records mo tgeng, thankfully)
Napasulat ako bigla sa'yo kase sa mga
segue naming usapan...tungkol sa pag-ibig! Hindi
naman siguro pedeng hindi lumitaw ang pangalan mo
don, diba? With matching quotable quotes pa. Ewan
ko ba, pasimula ni Tiya buds. Lahat ba ng AD e
dumadaan sa phase na nilalamon ka ng pag-ibig
pero in the end e nakakasurvive naman? (sabi ko
nga, e kung AA nga nakayanan mong ipasan sa
balikat mo, pag-ibig pa! - tama ba yon?)
Naaalala mo pa ba 'tong sinabi mo: "MAHAL
KITA, kung mhal mo rin ako edi salamat. KUNG DI
MO KO MAHAL, salamat pa rin. Pasalamat ka nga
mahal kita e."
Sa'yo ko unang narinig ang concept
ng "unrequited love" (sa peak pa ng mervin
days...), at kanina e narinig ko nanaman,
sinapian mo ba si kuya buds? Wala lang, natutunan
ko lang kanina na isa pala akong COWARD. takot
akong magmahal, dahil takot akong masaktan. In a
wierd way, natanggap ko na na totoo yung sinasabi
nilang masarap daw masaktan, yun yung time na
nakakahinga ka nang mabuti, walang pigil, walang
garalgal kase nagmamahal ka, buhay ka. Ndi pa
naman siguro ko nasasakal ng pag-ibig, pero
anggaling pala ng mga taong hinarap ang lahat ng
barriers at nagmahal. Wow! Isa ka ba don? Feeling
ko lang kase epara ka na ring tumalon sa bangin,
not knowing kung san ka lalanding. Naisip ko lang
tong kanta ni Alanis na dati kong iniisnab, pero
ngayon e kinalabit bigla ako: "You Owe Me Nothing
In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright
acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path
that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and
freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled
accounts of times in your life and I won't judge
it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
CHORUS:
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only
yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel
and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone
else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all
and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe
will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police
will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way
back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it
that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it
means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your
bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase
your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life
crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return. END
Swak ba? Pasok no!? Kakaiba ang topic na
ito, nakakabulabog ng buhay, napapagtype ka bigla
kahit gabi na at maaga ka pa bukas...Kung isa ka
sa mga taong tumalon na rin sa bangin...I salute
you, also. Sana magawa ko rin yan, pero hindi pa
ngayon.
Sorry tegeng, anghaba masyado. Salamat sa
testi, nakilala ko lalo sarili ko. abangan mo
lang yung syo.
Sana without me telling you, i hope you know
how much you are missed sa AA, obvious ba,
lumalabas ka parati sa mga usapan namin, hehehe.
pero sige na nga, sasabihin kona rin...I miss you
buddy! Sana di ka masyadong bc para 'di to
masyadong mapanis! hanggang sa muli!!!!PIBAS!
***
Lately kasi tumalon na naman ako sa isang building at hindi ko makita kung may sasalo ba. Ngayon naka suspend ako sa ere at napaka lamig ng feeling. Hinihintay ko na lang na bumagsak ako at mawasak ang buto ko sa taas ng tinalon ko.
Pero nagustuhan ko na rin itong nasa ere ako.
Tuesday, 24 October 2006
GOING BACK
Most of what i am proud today is the fact that i got a call back audition from a production that will make another film. I thought iwas losing it; this acting groove i got ever since kinder. I am a nervous freak when it comes to auditions for plays or for films but i like the feeling of it--- uncertainty.
As usual auditions always start with tell me about yourself stuff. My usual entrada would be to tell my name and my nick name and how it is spelled with a G and not with a J. I am always particular with my nickname being spelled the right way kundi rin lang just call me by my family name.
And then they asked me what would be my dream role. My face lights up because i have always a ready answer for the past 8 years and that is to be Mary Magdalene of Jesus Christ Superstar or Eva Peron of Evita. Wow. Cultured. Musical role. So do you know how to sing? Goes the gay guy. Those kinds of questions get me fidgety, of course everybody knows how to sing but to what extent is your understanding of singing? I sing in a karaoke, would that be a proper answer for a girl in an audition? Well, i told him that we were trained to sing during my PETA days and i think i picked something up. Okay. Sing for us. Uh-oh. I sang a Levi Celerio piece but the director asked me to stop and told me to sing a song that meant a lot to me. Ohkay... and i belted out the first few lines of Could we Start Again Please? Then the gay guy commented about how'd they end up with people auditioning for a musical... i don't know what that means but i think it was a compliment.
Improvisation. My favorite game during my active theatre days. They asked me to improvise a scene using 5 phrases in Ilocano dialect. I was escorted outside to think of a scene but then i felt there was something wrong. I don't know but i think i suddenly became rusty. Anyway, i did a scene but it wasn't with much panache.
They texted me for another set of auditions. And the gay guy told us that we were the best and the ones being considered for roles. Hay. When was the last time i heard a collective artistic compliment where i know i am part of the group. And the call back auditions were more ok as i got directions from the director on what is the scene about and i get to ask actors' questions too. I'm still not sure if they will get me but i liked the experience.
I like auditions. It's like a throwing out party.
Thursday, 19 October 2006
I have a major headache today. I drank with friends and new found friends last night from the former station. Lei was met up with JP to discuss some raket event where everybody gets free booze. She asked me to help her out so i told her i can be your lady bouncer since i can fling arrows just by looking at people.
It was also nice to know that one of our one time graphics editor for my former show noticed that i just disappeared from the snake pit. I thought nobody noticed and here comes one of my one night only co worker telling me that i suddenly went kaput.
Jp made me drink this fiery shot called blow job. Very interesting name. And it tasted so hot inside i think it scalded my esophagus but it was so tasty and milky and coffee-y if there is such a term. And then boom i got hit by a really big buzz in my head.
I went home. I opened my laptop and the lights. I knocked on my neighbor to borrow something she was using that time so i should wait. I went back to my hole to read a book, unhook my bra, remove the pants and feel my sheets. Then suddenly its 10am. Oh my goodness. I left the door open, left the laptop on and the lights, a book on my chest and my bra on my feet. This blowjob and beer combination really did a good job on me.
Tuesday, 17 October 2006
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...
These are the things that i constantly do without too much thinking. Things that deform me. Things that make me feel alive and thankful. Things that make me happy. Just random things. My cheap pleasures.
1. Eat Tuna. I don't know where this began. This tuna eating habit of mine. Usually tuna sandwhiches in any form; on pitas, focaccia,ciabatta,whole wheat, pandesal, kariman and local white breads. In college, i made a short film based on the love of a girl to a boy that revolves around the tuna sandwhich--- how she makes it and brings it to him, how it was half-eaten by a dog and how she discovered something and gave the half-eaten sandwhich to the boy. We got good grades for that tuna sandwhich story. The first tuna sandwhich i tasted was in elementary. Moodrahbel made them in motherly heaps as baon complete with lettuce and pepper. It tasted real good. Right now, i love eating spanish style tuna from Century tuna.
2. Long walks while singing. The best ones are from upper Morato to downtown Morato and me coming from a 10 hour mtg. Walking has been part of my family. Poodrahbel used to bring me and my brothers to his office every other day back then when we were little and we would always walk going to the jeep terminal enough to stir some dew on our foreheads. When we go home we'd rather walk a 15 minute jeepney ride to our home. And while walking, Poodrahbel and the brothers would catch spiders along the way. Poodrahbel even found a tortoise and a snake during those walks. The singing part is just natural since i like singing and humming while walking. My walking songs range from Bread, Chicago, Grant Lee Buffalo, Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston, Queen and Ella Fitzgerald. Paulie and i share the walking concerts.
3. Smell pages of newly bought books. As if making my presence felt in entering something unknown, i flip the pages of new books that i really like and smell the paper. And it really excites me to read the book after poking my nose in between pages.
There are a lot of things that i can classify as a favorite. LIke feeling my bra on my cheeks. Kissing the cheeks of LongLong ( a 4year old boy and the son Ate Midana who works for Kitsi's family as helper). Looking at old pictures. Wearing newly washed jeans and the feel of it on my butt. Gibberish talks with Lebanis and really laughing out loud.
Wednesday, 11 October 2006
EMANCIPATION DAY
Life is just so grand these days. I'm off to Somewhere in a couple of days with some of the best people life has given me (and those are my college friends). Another heap of unstressing, laughing and living a life. Thank God.
I wake up one day and after a decade of separation HE came along in a moment and i'll never be the same again. Just a blink and we are here--- in this strange situation. I don't know what tricks are being played on me but this is just something i can't help. 10 years. 1 towel. and a thousand tears flowing down my 24 year old eyes. It's almost half my life. I can't really dig these things. Let's just put it this way: What if the one person that got away suddenly came back after 10 years and has plans of not being 'the one who got away'? It's just so surreal. But i had to step down and unkink this thing out. At least we're here. And as poodrahbel said: Goal setting is next to goal getting. Thank you and you know who you are.
Some more grand moments: i just forgot my PIN number on my ATM where i saved some money and now i can't withdraw. Just my luck. Kitsi forgot to put in the adaptor for my laptop this morning and i ran out of batt. Blew my top really as i had to drag myself to a hardware just to buy an adaptor. And then another news, my bread and butter is nearing the deep chasm and if we don't really do something about it then its ta-ta! I look at my computer and ask "How am i going to pay you now?" Huhuhu..
But i still get to unwind in a couple of days. We are getting our act together again for it not to face the berdugo and i am excited. And WE are planning to get to know each other again.
All things just keep getting better.
Monday, 09 October 2006
LOVE SHIT
Man, i saw him again. And left me a bit glassy eyed. All this time honey. All this time. It was always about you. I just don't know what happened between us but i think there's something left here in my heart.. in the village of my heart where you live in a vista like that of a piece of property owned by rich people in Tagaytay. That's where you are. And sometimes you are closed and sometimes you are open.
Wella, a bestfriend living in Okinawa, and i talked via yahoo phone. And we talked about highschool shit with sweet fondness ala romy and michele. And we talked about you. whatever happened to you? The first person who took notice of me. What a gift to see through ones' angsty pimply years.
And now i've been talking to you in my dreams for 3 days. What's this shit all about? And i see you on some network and you are like before. I've been thinking about you lately. I hope this will pass like some cat purring for her next mate. Because i know that you don't really think about me or even take a piss to even let my image pass your cerebra. And it makes my eyes dewy.
Distance has always been my enemy. I'll overcome it. But i think about you after all these years and after everything that has happened. You still make my face muscles exercise. Thanks.
Tuesday, 03 October 2006
IN A U.S.T. STATE OF MIND
I am a well-bred catholic school girl. I've been with the Carmelites and the RVM sisters and of course, the Dominican priests. But i am not a practicing catholic. I believe in God and i know God believes in me. I talk to Him as if He's just around. I even throw tantrums but i say sorry after. I am simply not a fan of churches and chapels and all those ceremonials. 3 of my immediate family members are protestants. And thank God our Team won in the UAAP.
I've had this lukewarm relationship with some officials before when i was still studying. They would never allow us to mount a play with certain themes that they think do not suit the Catholic ideals. Ah, so no more plays about gay priests and rape scenes and the language must be injected with hints of catholicism. And it should be all about family and happiness and no more about poverty and taong grasa and ugliness and all those dramatic elements. Man, I so hate UST for that.
Back then, there was this group of students from UP Theatre Arts who interviewed me on the state of campus theatre in UST. It wasn't an interview when they asked me about it. It was a rant and a call to action as if i was an ANAKBAYAN being plundered for my beliefs against the system. But what can i do? I was just a student. A micro bacteria in the macrocosm of silent frustrations hurled against the University.
But i love UST. Just love it and everything that happened to me there. Poodrahbel, who is from UP, was frustrated when i didn't get in his alma mater. I'm like... Who cares?
Just now, i came from there. Watched a play from our former org. Went to a coffeeshop in T. Morato and saw my first Thomasian boyfriend. My boss, who is encouraging me to write, is from UST---- a very popular alumni. My main boss is also from UST. The one who gives me my allowance at work is from UST. The person i live with is from UST. My good good friends are from UST. The people i like working with are all from UST and some UP.
I realized some Ateneans are arrogant. Of course, not everybody, but Ateneans i've worked with have this air around them that they should be doing this part. And the part should be important and should sound nice. Probably they were injected by the Jesuits to be like that. I don't know. Though i so love Tito Boy.
But we still won. And that is just so sweet.
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This has been my sanctuary for four years already. It's my extension. Almost like a limb out in the open. Know that people want to express, to just chuck it out, to just be themselves even on something as artificial as blog. I am that people. So don't mind me...
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