MUSINGS ON A MISSING DESTINATION AND OTHER MUSINGS

Andrea invited me to go to the launch of Ricci Guevara's album/book sa Conspiracy. I used to remember Ricci telling me over shawarma that she wants to have some of her poems done in some kind of music---- cd at that. When i went over at her launch, all i could say was congratulations and reminded her how these things was just a figment under our smelly breaths. She said she would do all things that she tells--- smelly breath or not.

Let's get back to Andrea. As stated in her most recent blog, this launch was her past. College literary past. For me, it was not literary past that rang in since I never really had a literary past in college except for one time that i had to recite a series of nursery rhymes about the ampalaya plant (my own doing of course) in a TWG poetry night at the Colayco park. The people who watched me recite that gave me a grin of appreciation ( Those people are kids with Palancas in their names right now) Feeling poet naman ako. Ronnie, an outrageous classmate, let alone a big holler after my recital like some crazy stage mother.

Now, what kind of past made bulaga to me? Pathetic-drunken loser-suicidal-crying near the pool in a fucking two-piece kind of college past. All the people who reminded me how much a sucker i am were there. As much as i had many shining moments in college, i had a sucker phase.

Upon entering the place, my tooth began to ache as if some spider sense for me to be forwarned. What was to be forwarned? Ohhh.... the Girl was there. She breezed me through as if im a banana plant. Well, it was just one person and her legions of doom. Anyway, this wasn't my crowd. I mean, i had real friends there whom i have exchanged nights staring at the AB building beholding its beauty, being silent and just gallivanting, but it wasn't MY crowd. At this point i had to find out where the fuck is my inviter.

text message at 10:30 pm: Uy pasensha na ha. kakalabas ko lang sa work. makati pa ako.

Ayos lang noh! Situations like these make me greatful of my God-given talent. Acting! Paulie, who's taking up masters in community development, once told me that in every group of 3, there is a performer. Society is one big stage and everyone is performing. So, perform i did! Buti na lang some of my theatre friends came by and i was rescued from my Stanislavsky performance. Andrea came and gave me an affirmed hug. My former director in ABS-CBN was there and to my horror of horrors introduced me to his new boyfriend--- a former professor. My Dad's bible study mate, tita alma miclat, was there and recognized me as if i was a bouncing baby girl. Barbie Almabis, a beautiful babe, was sitting adjacent to our table. And the world was alright.

Wait, I am going nowhere on my musings on a missing destination. Its' not exactly missing honey. It's here in me, it's within reach. I'm holding onto it but the real world is putting "thorns" all over it. I let out a good cry days ago beacuse the "thorns" have been cutting in deep. We are four in a batch in PETA. We were, somehow, always together attending movement workshops, helping out for a project, doing ushers in plays, watching dance performances, teaching kids how to act, attending aesthetic conferences, hanging out in penguin, drinking til 8am. Kitchie is now lead role in ASL please...., Nono is there to act, Nex handles the APM side and I am in Makati doing a report for friggin advertisers in the Olympics. Alin ang naiba? Makes me want to burst out in that Batibot song.

My batchmates comforted me. At least i make dough daw. It's just one production, we can still be together for the company training. Aww... mga friends nga naman. They have put some bandage on my bleeding arms and told me to still hold on kahit na maging pako na ang mga thorns.

My dad angrily blurted out one vodka night that he doesn't believe in starving artists. My dad has rockstar attitude. It would take a book to explain why.