F

I have always avoided things that make me ponder. For one, it doesn't provide solutions. It leaves me constricted. As if my arteries are thinning me to death. Or probably i also avoid solutions. And then come to think of it--- it's all on me. Well, solutions are not that easy. Definable but not really excutable in the real sense of the world.

I am very afraid. As much as i want to do something that i know will make me happy, i just don't do it. Gosh, did i just wrote that? Of course, chocolate makes me happy that's why i eat a lot of those. Pero siyempre di naman yung tinutukoy ko eh... it's about fucking following your dreams and getting it at all costs... about choosing courage over fear... all those mala-Braveheart moments in your life...

 I feel like on top of the building with the whole city waiting for me to plunge but i'm just there. Surveying the lights and wondering how it feels for all my innards to splat and bask in the light of my own happiness. I think i need a little tush.... or a marching band to surprise me and make me fall... What keeps me from doing that? Complicated talaga. I don't want to think about it. Makes me feel ugly. I just want to do it but i think i really need something. Some great air for me to just plunge. I envy people who do just that. And then the usual litany of doing what makes you happy because you only have one life to live. Yes.Yes.Yes. I see it everyday. In bookstores, in office cubicles, in songs, heck i even see them on buses and jeeps. Its festering the city.

Tinitignan ko lang yang mga quotes na yan and then i try to mix them to form a new word na parang text twist. Then form the exact words and then its in your face again. Shrug a bit. Boo-hoo about it. Think till you die thinking about it. Oh my, but there's a greater force than seeing those blasted quotes to live by.  It's when you start feeling it. So rusty. Grinds in on you. Try to shut it out but then your heart pumps it out. It's like suffering a brokenheart inflictedf upon yourself. Ang hirap mabigo sa ginawa mong tore para sa sarili mo. Not really easy to go against your heart. So, itulog mo na lang. In 2 days limot mo na. But there are some situations that remind you of them. Like me, i remember them when i watch a play. Alam mo yun? Dapat ako ang andyan eh. Dapat ako. Dapat ako.

Then you start walking alone. Eating alone. Home alone with futile efforts to scare yourself of ghostly apparitions. Eh sa hindi nga nagapakita yung mga moo moo.  Then you start being afraid not because of ghosts but something else...  Just being alone and then you try to look at yourself from the doors' point of view. Parang pelikula. With much emphasis on the space that is to remain empty. You, looking to the space as if seeing your reflection.

Life shit in the works.