NOONG 2004 AT KAGRA-GRADUATE KO LANG...

Nakatanggap ako ng friendster message kay Pibs (ang aking buddy sa org namin sa UST). Nagbuklat ako ng friendster ngayon at tinignan ang mga lumang mensahe. At nangingilid na naman ang luha ko dahil parang nauulit na naman ang nangyari sa akin noong taong iyon...

Ito ang excerpt ng sulat sa akin ng buddy ko:

Wednesday, 7 January, 2004 11:17 PM

Buddy! Ate Geng! Anggaling mo talga, hindi nga
talga mapapanis ang chik-chakan pag ganitong hi-
TECH na tayo.
Kakameet lang kanina ng ilan sa mga officers
about dun sa finances (Mads, tlucila, kya buds
and me) Andami plang sisingilin, nakakaloka! Ok
lang sana sa mga AA members pero di ko yata
kayang maningil sa mga alumni...(Which we decided
na ndi na cla dapat cngilin kse we know theyre
responsible enough. i don't have to hope, I know!
Magbabayad sila when theyre ready. Clean namn ang
records mo tgeng, thankfully)

Napasulat ako bigla sa'yo kase sa mga
segue naming usapan...tungkol sa pag-ibig! Hindi
naman siguro pedeng hindi lumitaw ang pangalan mo
don, diba? With matching quotable quotes pa. Ewan
ko ba, pasimula ni Tiya buds. Lahat ba ng AD e
dumadaan sa phase na nilalamon ka ng pag-ibig
pero in the end e nakakasurvive naman? (sabi ko
nga, e kung AA nga nakayanan mong ipasan sa
balikat mo, pag-ibig pa! - tama ba yon?)
Naaalala mo pa ba 'tong sinabi mo: "MAHAL
KITA, kung mhal mo rin ako edi salamat. KUNG DI
MO KO MAHAL, salamat pa rin. Pasalamat ka nga
mahal kita e."

Sa'yo ko unang narinig ang concept
ng "unrequited love" (sa peak pa ng mervin
days...), at kanina e narinig ko nanaman,
sinapian mo ba si kuya buds? Wala lang, natutunan
ko lang kanina na isa pala akong COWARD. takot
akong magmahal, dahil takot akong masaktan. In a
wierd way, natanggap ko na na totoo yung sinasabi
nilang masarap daw masaktan, yun yung time na
nakakahinga ka nang mabuti, walang pigil, walang
garalgal kase nagmamahal ka, buhay ka. Ndi pa
naman siguro ko nasasakal ng pag-ibig, pero
anggaling pala ng mga taong hinarap ang lahat ng
barriers at nagmahal. Wow! Isa ka ba don? Feeling
ko lang kase epara ka na ring tumalon sa bangin,
not knowing kung san ka lalanding. Naisip ko lang
tong kanta ni Alanis na dati kong iniisnab, pero
ngayon e kinalabit bigla ako: "You Owe Me Nothing
In Return"

I'll give you countless amounts of outright
acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path
that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and
freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled
accounts of times in your life and I won't judge
it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

CHORUS:
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only
yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel
and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone
else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all
and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe
will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police
will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way
back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it
that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it
means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your
bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase
your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life
crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return. END

Swak ba? Pasok no!? Kakaiba ang topic na
ito, nakakabulabog ng buhay, napapagtype ka bigla
kahit gabi na at maaga ka pa bukas...Kung isa ka
sa mga taong tumalon na rin sa bangin...I salute
you, also. Sana magawa ko rin yan, pero hindi pa
ngayon.
Sorry tegeng, anghaba masyado. Salamat sa
testi, nakilala ko lalo sarili ko. abangan mo
lang yung syo.
Sana without me telling you, i hope you know
how much you are missed sa AA, obvious ba,
lumalabas ka parati sa mga usapan namin, hehehe.
pero sige na nga, sasabihin kona rin...I miss you
buddy! Sana di ka masyadong bc para 'di to
masyadong mapanis! hanggang sa muli!!!!PIBAS!

***

Lately kasi tumalon na naman ako sa isang building at hindi ko makita kung may sasalo ba. Ngayon naka suspend ako sa ere at napaka lamig ng feeling. Hinihintay ko na lang na bumagsak ako at mawasak ang buto ko sa taas ng tinalon ko.

Pero nagustuhan ko na rin itong nasa ere ako.