THIS IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID...

I knew it would happen. I knew it.

Last week i had been a cause of delay for about 5 minutes in a 2nd unit (dackable)  production team. And why is that? I couldn't cry. They were waiting for me to have that cut of tear and i barely knew that they were waiting for that.

The scene was in a cemetery and i am visiting an infant that has long been dead 8 years ago. So the D placed me on my blocking; kneel, not too high, ok, move to your right a little and place your bangs behind your ear where it belongs, don't move too down because you'll exit frame. All right. And my cue for the line was for L to come up to me and ask me what i was doing there. So i waited. Then D suddenly whispered to me that he wants me to look pained since the dead infant was my baby and i sold him to a doctor. Oh, ok. Look painful. Pained. Pained and painful. Kneeling with pain. But still nothing is happening. Then D went again and whispered to me that i should look guilty as well because i have committed a very grave mistake to my child. Ok. Well, he really wants me to cry. But i can't, what if i got over it now? It's been 8 years anyway. That has been circulating in my head and my emotions didn't even shift to a painful one.

And then Bochok came...

The make up artist asked me if i was having a hard time crying. Then on cue he took a tissue and whirled it pointed and dabbed Vicks vapor rub on to the tip and asked me stay calm. Poked the pointed tissue with Vicks vapor rub on my eyes and then i ran a stream of tears after that. Oh gosh, that stung my eyes. And Bochok looked at D telling him that i was ok. And the tears came flowing endlessly as if i'd be dehydrated. Streaming tears. Maria Cristina falls. No. Niagara falls kind of tears. L approached me and my only line was: Ikaw? (you?) while the Niagara falls kept drowning me. And cut!

I approached kuya D and apologized because i did had a hard time crying in an instant and if i caused a fuss since i'm just a bit actor. And he said that its ok because he knows me and he told me that the worst actor he ever handled in crying scenes was Rainier Castillo whom he thinks never had any moment of gloom and bleak in his whole life.

I don't really like it. Making me cry in an instant as if i was an instant noodle. My dislikeness for that feeling levels with my dislikeness for people who spit in public and throw trash in the sea. But i am an actor first, ever since i was young i always wanted to do this. Be in the form of another person on stage preferably. This thing that happened bothers me a lot. I'm getting confused. I'm acting on TV because of the money. Yeah, just show me the money and nothing more. But i hope it wouldn't destruct me. I need to rebuff this. I do. I don't know how but i guess i have to talk to my teachers in tapets again.

And i went home and told my friend about what happened and guess what he told me?

Oh my God geng, di ka na aktres? And i was dumbfounded. Gosh.