SCRUBBING SOULS

It's been more than a month since we jumped ship from being lovers to being husband and wife. I was never really wifely to begin with and it came as a shock to ost of my friends to see me get hitched.  It was fast really but no regrets. R and I were just getting into the serious zone of a typical boyfriend-girlfiend relationship but i was never really that aware that we were in that zone until the test kit flashed a double line. It wasn't just the two of us anymore.

I didn't want to get married. I just don't want to. There's this feeling of not getting away anymore. Its all jumbled up out there but it scares me really. My Dad, a great adviser, had always believed in choices but it was surprising that he offered me a sound choice of his own--- get married and take the plunge. It was as if i was falling into an abyss. My Dad knew me and i was up for any challenge including altered states such as marriage. I guess its about time to act like grown ups and just learn things from each other.

The learning process can be a bit tricky. When me and R mess up with each other, we just make it up at the end of the day. But for me, there's this imaginative part of my brain popping what if i told you that i wish i never took that plunge, that i settled for less, that i settled for somebody who was just there and never would be at par with my likeness and level and that you just got me pregnant. Let's leave LOVE at the door because it clouds the vision. So there goes the scrubbing part of marriage. I maybe harsh but i think about those sometimes. But then when you scrub deeply there lies that love you had and no matter how straight you dart at those thoughts it will always be clouded with something stronger than your ego or whatever educational level you have. And that is what i feel right now.

R and I just had this sort of verbal attack against each other. I plan to leave him, go to a friends' house he doesn't have an inkling of and just drive him nuts trying to look for me so that he may be sorry. How convenient and self serving to my ego but then i can't help but reply to his text messages.

It's a long jump from lovers to partners and then next--- parents.